to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
