He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
