So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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