Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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