im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
