I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
