Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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