I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
