She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
