I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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