my sisters under your porch take her home
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
