I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
