Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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