Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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