meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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