like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I believe in your delicious
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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