just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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