I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
