i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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