Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
