if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
