How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
