there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
