Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He shit in the fireplace
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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