I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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