dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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