no, he came in my armpit
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
