we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
