The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
