Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
