how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
