your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
