If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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