woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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