I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
