i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
God, I missed his penis.
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