Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize