I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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