apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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