Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize