I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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