if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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