my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
