I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
