I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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