trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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