Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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