I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
