Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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