I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize