my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
