Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
