life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Green mimosas i think yes
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
