but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
