I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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