I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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