Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
